losing weight is no fun...

I know...that is totally a victim statement. But really, it does suck sometimes. Today is one of those days...

I feel like I've learned a lot this year about what is and what is not healthy. I feel like I've learned that my body can't handle wheat or it breaks out in hives. I feel like I've got more energy. All great things...but the scale, my pant size hasn't budged.

I started P90X this past week and it's tough. I wish it was just easy. But it just isn't. I did 30 minutes of the yoga video and conked. It was all planks for 30 minutes. I even felt the shorter 30 minute workout the next day.

Do my pants fit better...nope.

Maybe I'm still healing from the damage of eating wheat for 30 years when my body doesn't tolerate it. I know that this is a fad, the whole gluten free thing, but I totally believe wheat is healthy...just for OTHER people. But for me, I break out in hives when I eat it and my skin is itchy and dry and I get a little fuzzy in my brain. So for me, wheat is out.


It's just frustrating, I want to see some progress. I feel like my metabolism is kaput...blah!!!




....

I wrote all that yesterday, today I feel a little more encouraged. Maybe I'll see some good things coming my way. I did some P90X Stretch this morning, something a little lighter than the other P90X workouts, but I need to keep committed to working out every day. This helped me move forward.

I'm in a spot where I need to learn how to stay committed in everything. Committed to my health, committed to eating healthy, committed to projects, committed to my daily devotions... I feel like I'm not so good at staying committed and I'd like to be better at it. I'm going to do some research on tips to becoming a committed/disciplined person. I find that growing up, discipline wasn't a family value...or it was a value that we weren't disciplined. I don't value the outcome of being undisciplined. I want to see the fruits of my labor come true.

So I'm going to ask myself some tough questions:

What do I get out of not being disciplined?
   It's a great excuse. It's an easy out. I say I'm going to do something big, but I'm just not disciplined to get there. It's not that I chose to not accomplish my goals, I'm just not very disciplined. I never have been. Lack of conviction to my word. I tell my husband that I'm going to clean the kitchen while he's at work, it doesn't get clean, he comes home and I broke my word. He doesn't say anything but he doesn't expect me to keep my word. I say to myself, I was busy, the baby was distracting, we were tired....on and on... I'm just not disciplined..oh well. The "oh well" is like saying it's not a big deal. But honestly, it's selfishness. How would I feel if the roles were reversed? Would I let him off the hook? I might give him some room, but what if it happened all the time, how would I feel. I'd feel angry, hurt, and extremely frustrated. Is that what I'm creating around me?

What would I get if I were disciplined?

 If I were disciplined/committed I would lose the weight I've wanted to lose. I would keep a clean house. I would make extra income for our family. I'd reach out to the community and volunteer more. I would have stronger relationships. I would be a better confidant. 

Is it worth it?

Honestly, it sounds overwhelming. Is this part of the problem? If I was disciplined/committed - would it ever be good enough? Would I ever give myself necessary downtime? Or is that overwhelming feeling another excuse?  

Maybe if I built slowly into a more disciplined life, where I picked one thing at a time to be really committed to. Like losing weight and forgetting about the rest. Maybe I would find that it's not that hard to be discipline when I give myself space to be me and be creative and let go of what's unnecessary. 

What value is there in not being disciplined?

Freedom to choose. Freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it, and freedom to not do something I don't want to do.  

What value is there in BEING disciplined?

Being a trustworthy person that people can rely on. Being able to accomplish my goals and change myself and the world around. Being a better mom and teaching my daughter good habits for her future. Being able to get ahead of the game to have more freedom in life - financially, time, etc. Being more organized so that time is better spent  - which in essence gives me more time. Being a better steward of my time and resources. 

What beliefs about myself do I have to change to get to where I want to be?

 I have to believe that I am a disciplined, committed person that has the energy, strength, willpower and passion to change myself and my world. 

Freaked OUT...

Just realized today that I have 3 months and 1 week until race day... Ummmm, how did that happen?!?? SHOCKED AND UNPREPARED! So now I need a miracle.

I have exactly 14 weeks.

I've already cut out wheat and kept sugar under 2 teaspoons per day. Now I need to take the next step and cut out carbs and sugary fruits And veggies.

Next I need to start training. I'm going to complete p90x to build strength and endurance. I'm going to continue walking at least 10,000 steps a day as a baseline, and keep increasing.

Then there's the actual running. Crap...this is where I get scared... Doesn't matter I gotta commit.

Here is my goal: on or before September 22 I will complete a half marathon.

Now I need to start visualizing. Here is my vision statement:

I am an active, fit, and hot mom.

Mmm hmmm. Time to get my butt in gear...

Week one complete!

And yes...it took me 3 weeks to complete it. Didn't admit that to my Facebook friends though!

I also contemplated taking a picture of my post-workout face but decided against. The red face clashed with my light orangish-red hair. Too embarrassing for anyone but my husband to see!

But I must proclaim victory! I ran the FULL WORKOUT! This is the first time. (I say this as sweat drips down my back...) Feels amazing to have completed week 1, and decided to let this propel me into completing week 1 and 2 this week. Cheer me on! I need your support!!!

C25K: Day 2

Day 2's run was a billion times better than day 1! Seriously! I didn't make it through it completely, however I did so much better than the first run. I had energy, I didn't hurt as much, I paced myself better. Everything was better. It was fun and everything. I'm looking forward to my third run. I was going to do it today, but the weather was not very conducive to being outdoors. I might have to come up with an alternative place to run when the weather is icky. OR just come up with a different type of endurance building workout - like crossfit, P90X, etc.

My total was 1.8 miles for the walk/jog. I actually feel pretty decent about it. I know it's slow, but I still feel good about it!

Mmm...fake cauliflower pizza crust turned lasagna!

For dinner tonight, I thought I'd try a version of cauliflower pizza crust that used fresh cauliflower and didn't need a microwave (we don't own one!)

I baked the pizza crust and the center was still gooey but the underneath and corners were burned. I thought maybe if I put the toppings on and bake it at a lower temperature maybe it would be okay. Well. It wasn't...

That on top of my daughter fussy from teething and being extra needy put me over the edge for a moment. Then my mother-in-law said, I bet it's still good, we could try it and see how it goes. This statement saved me from turning to real pizza from our neighborhood italian restaurant! (Although, I was almost hoping for a good excuse to go for it!)

So I slopped it on my plate and it ended up tasting like lasagna without the noodles. I used Ricotta cheese in the cauliflower crust (which is probably why it wouldn't turn into pizza crust) and the mixture of cauliflower, Ricotta, oregano, basil, and garlic tasted like lasagna filling Topped with baby tomatoes, onion, and mozzarella. It was delish! Since I'm not cutting out fat, it was all whole milk cheeses so it was ultra delicious.

The only problem I faced was my own intolerance for dairy cheeses...I'm going to try and make some cheese (such as mozzarella and ricotta) from raw milk in May so maybe I'll be able to handle some of the delicious cheeses better!

I found the basic recipe on Sparkpeople recipes and made only a few changes. Here is the link to the original recipe: http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=1606756

Here is the recipe I followed:

1 Cup Cauliflower
1 egg
1 Cup Ricotta Cheese
1 tsp Oregano
4 fresh basil leaves (I freeze my spices so I don't have to worry about them going bad)
2 garlic cloves

If you have a vitamix, throw all the ingredients in your blender, and blend at 4 for 30 seconds. If not:

Either put your cauliflower in a food processor or shred it using a small grater. Add egg, ricotta cheese, and spices and mix.

Put on greased pizza crust (we use either butter or coconut oil for high heat cooking; Macadamia oil should also work well) and bake for 12-15 minutes at 450 degrees.

After the crust has baked, add toppings - we used mozzarella, onions, a tomato sauce, and pre-cooked chicken. But be creative, the original recipe has lots of creative suggestions.

If for some reason your pizza crust turns out to be pizza crust, just put the pizza back in the oven and put on high broil for approx. 3-4 minutes. If not, bake for another 8 minutes until ingredients are melted. Remove from oven and let cool for a few minutes. Scoop the cut pieces onto your plate (trying to leave the pizza topping on top for appeal). We added a little salt and pepper and a yummy side salad.

Turned out delicious - love it when mistakes turn out to be wonderful!

C25K: Day 1

So I got out there. I walked outside and pressed play on my C25K training app. "Begin walking." Then I started playing dance music to get me going. The intro of the song had an anticipatory beat and I felt like I was the only one there on the street about to burst into a full on sprint. I could barely hold myself from running until the app said it was time to start jogging. Finally, the app said, "Begin jogging." I took my first pace and my foot hit the ground. Suddenly this momentum that had been building in me felt clumsy and slow and the ground felt hard. The cool air that once felt like a gentle breeze felt more like frozen ice in my throat. My skin began to itch and freak out from my body not used to movement and cold air...

While I was jogging I saw these two women walking a sweet little dog. My imagination started to picture what they must think of me. This overweight woman running clumsily down the street, panting at 3 miles per hour. They had to think I was foolish, or ridiculous. But then I said, maybe they think I'm brave. Maybe they think, would I have the guts to do that? Then I thought about a month or two down the road. When my body is more limber and strong, running past these same two women, and them turning their heads n disbelief. THAT would be a complete victory for me.
In spite of my clumsiness, my fear, my self doubt, I did it. I may not have run as long as the app said to run, but I got out there and moved the whole time. It will get easier, I will get stronger. And I can see her. This woman...running to the dance music - strong, proud, slender, and graceful.

New motivation

Sometimes making a new commitment will help you reach your goal. Not necessarily a weight loss goal, but maybe a goal to run a half marathon. Instead of focusing on the weight focus on a goal that will help you lose weight but focus on something else.

Today I committed to run a half marathon on August 19th and raise $655 for World Vision. I totally believe in World Vision's cause and would love to raise so much more than $655 for children in poverty.

So, here we go! Ready to start training!!!

Self Talk

Sometimes the negative self talk is so defeating. Self-sabotage. Today was one of those "I don't want to look in the mirror because I make myself sick" kinda days... What to do on a day like this..

I'm hoping talking about will give me som release. If I ever heard my daughter talk to herself the way I do, I would be completely broken-hearted. That sweet little girl is going to be bombarded with negative self images right and left, and as her mommy I have to change, for her sake. I pray my baby never feels the way I'm feeling. "You're ugly." "You're enormous and obese and disgusting." "look at that figure, it's pathetic." "You should be embarrassed to go out in public." when is this going to sync in? I can't do this to myself anymore. How am I ever going to reach my goal if I don't believe I deserve it.

This week, I'm going to start positive affirmations and focusing daily in what my goals are. I'm still down 10 pounds, and I'm grateful for it. Maybe that's a third thing I'm going to work on...gratitude.

Take out the garbage in my head, fill it back up with positivity, gratitude and praying continuously. Maybe with those tools in my belt I'll start moving forward. Do I really want this??? What is keeping my where I'm at? It's time to let go.

Sourcing REAL FOOD

This past month my husband and I have cut out grains and dairy. Honestly, after awhile you don't really miss it. The only thing I've had trouble with is learning how to snack without grains and dairy. We've been eating a lot of eggs, squash soup (using homemade broth), juicing carrots and special delicious green juice, home-soaked and dehydrates nuts and meat.

HOWEVER - I really enjoy a good mocha or cappucino once in awhile. So I've sourced REAL MILK. Real raw milk! I'll be making homemade mocha syrup with out of maple syrup, water, and unsweetened cocoa and raw milk, with delicious local Dogwood coffee. Mmmm... I <3 Dogwood coffee..

How did I find real milk? Well, first I contacted my local Weston Price Chapter leader - who had no leads. He said that there were too many looking for raw milk so he had no resources to hook me up with. BUMMER. Then one day I had an epiphany. CRAIGSLIST! Craigslist has everything, right!?! They have to have people looking to sell raw milk! And guess what, I found my person! So next week, I'm heading to the farm, which shall be remain nameless since our government loves, loves, LOVES to attack local farms (search MICHIGAN & ORGANIC PIGS). A friend of mine and I will get about 4 gallons of milk between the two of us (she has 5 kiddos, so she'll be taking the bulk of it!) And the kiddos can check out the farm while we're there too!

So don't give up on finding real food - think creatively. Ask friends where they get their local foods (CSA's and farms); look on Craigslist, or hang out in the parking lot of Whole Foods...I think some suspicious Real Food selling may go down out there...

But yay! This is gonna be good!

Oh the lovely month of February...

So...February...This month is closer to the holiday season, than the actual holiday season...After 4...yes, 4...birthday parties and Valentine's day...I didn't lose much weight. I gained a few good pounds.

So this month, I worked on getting back to where I was at, at the end of February, and I am there! Thank goodness. I'm looking forward to losing a few more pounds the remainder of this month and reaching my first goal of 30 pounds in April....hopefully before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

We are following the GAPS diet - this diet helps with a myriad of issues - for me personally eczema and weight loss. For my husband, weight gain depression, and anxiety, We have been on the intro diet since March 1st, and are now on stage 3 - which means we can eat - homemade meat broth, boiled meats, well boiled vegetables, fermented vegetables, animal fat, ghee oil, egg yolks, just added egg whites, walnuts, and avocados! It's a pretty strict healing diet - aimed to heal leaky gut syndrome.

Honestly - I feel amazing. AMAZING! My husband has been in a good mood for almost a week. That relieves a ton of stress for us. My skin has not broken out in hives unless I eat something I'm not supposed to. We both have more energy, even when we're tired. It's been pretty great. It's a huge blessing for me when my husband comes home and says he had a good day. Not a fine day, or a blah day, but a good day. Ahhh...it's like a breath of fresh air!

I'm juicing now as well. We've been able to drink carrot juice...mmmm...and today I added lettuce, apples and half a lemon. Greenish-brown, but good!

So, yay for March and yay for fresh starts. Feels good!

Cheat Day...

So cheat day....what a delight... right?!?!

Well, I had 2 cheat days in January and I still lost 8 pounds! Awesome!!! HOWEVER - last Saturday, I had a FEAST of a cheat day and it has taken me all week to get back to what I was at the beginning of last Saturday. I seriously started last Saturday at 212.2 pounds and did not return to that until today. Yikes.

So today, I return to cheat day, but today's cheat day is different than previous cheat days. Today, I'll have some dessert, but it won't be a day of desserts...I'll have some carbs, but it won't be a full day of chowing down heavy white carbs. It will be a controlled cheat day.

It may feel like this defeats the purpose of cheat day, but believe me, keeping cheat day in check is going to make February an even more productive month...(which by the way I have to shovel all snow the whole month of February because I didn't reach my goal of 10 pounds - self-imposed cost of not reaching my goal...and probably self-imposed cost of cheat day gone wild...)

Last Saturdays cheat day made me feel like I could be the chubby girl who secretly eats a dozen donuts in the car before she gets home. That is frightening. Let me frighten you with what I ate last Saturday:

Breakfast:
Breakfast:
Small (really it was small) Blueberry muffin
Small (again...I promise it was small) Chocolate Chip Muffin

Snack:
Fun Size Snickers
Fun Size Kit Kat
Lunch:
Medium Size Sloppy Joe
5 Jo Jos (potato wedges)

Second Lunch:
Panera Sierra Turkey Sandwich
1/2 Cinnamon Roll
1 Chocolate Filled Croissant

Dinner: 
3 pieces Pizza
Bag of M&M's
Cherry Coke

Now...I don't want you to get the idea that I ate like this every day to reach my lovely current weight...If I ate like this everyday, I would tack on another 100 pounds...My Fitness Tracker says I'd be 232.5 pounds in 5 weeks.

Another shocker for you: I ate 4199 calories. Okay that's bad....here's what is BAD BAD, I consumed 267 grams of sugar. Do you know how many teaspoons of sugar that is??? There are about 4 grams of sugar in a teaspoon. I consumed nearly 68 TEASPOONS of sugar. Wow...that was a shocker. And I felt like crap. So today...while I will have a few indulgences that I won't allow myself the rest of the time...I will not sabotage all my efforts from last week to satisfy my sweet tooth. I will enjoy, but not make myself sick. Today, I vow to be controlled.

Day ? Postpartum

Okay...so I don't think I'm considered postpartum anymore! My baby had her 3 month birthday on the 12th, so I'm officially out of the third trimester, and thankful to be so!

This month I have released about 7 pounds! Woo hoo! I know the early on weight loss is fast, but I'm still excited!!!

My current weight is 213.8

I've worked out 4 times this month, cut out anything white and have seriously increased my protein intake! I will also be giving myself a cheat day once a week starting this Saturday, we'll see how that goes!

I haven't measured in awhile so I'm also going to update my measurements and add a few extra.

(note to self: I do suck it in!)
Upper left arm: 14.5
Upper right arm: 15
Waist at bend: 37.625
Waist at navel: 42.75
Hips at fullest part: 46.75

as you can see, I've become an apple. I need to lose inches, so that's more my focus than my weight. Looking forward to the hot bod!

Also, I've been learning how to do kettlebell swings; about 75 reps; 3 times a week. I've heard really good things.

Another helpful thing for me: fajitas without the tortilla. Marinate chicken, peppers, and onions in a fajita spiced chicken broth (healthy broths are made at home). Some good things to add: hickory liquid smoke, cumin, garlic, chili powder, cayenne pepper, salt (if homemade) pepper, tomatoes, Mexican oregano, lime... I marinated then cooked it still in the marinade. Stored leftovers in the marinade. I may use he remaining marinade for a soup. If you use lime in your marinade, only marinate for 2 hours, any longer than that the citrus will cook your chicken and the chicken will end up a little drier. Not as delicious!

We did this, added half an avocado on each of ours, salsa, and spinach. Skipping the cheese, since I've been cutting out dairy.

Day 90 postpartum

New weight: 216.2

So so so glad to be out of the 220's!!! SO GLAD! I've been cutting out a ton of sugar and it's been helping immensely. So glad to have Truvia! I have to say that my new pants are also starting to fit better! We're not there yet, but we're close. By we I mean, my pants and me...

I had 2 days where I didn't eat only what I was supposed to. On one day I was sitting with my friend in the hospital who couldn't handle eating. So I ate her chicken quesadilla! It was a little too much. So I decided that would be a cheat day for me! So my husband and I went out for pizza that night. And I didn't weigh myself the next day. Really glad I didn't...I already felt guilty for eating poorly the day before. I decided it wasn't a good way to start the next day. Being discouraged from the get go will not help you get to your goal that day. So I skipped and weighed myself the ndxt day, and I had gone back down to the previous low! Nothing to feel bad about!

The other cheat was that my cousin offered to buy us shakes at Dairy Queen. I asked for the very smallest shake they had...turns out that still isn't very small! I still was within my calorie range and I went down still this morning! Woo hoo!

I want to get better at working out more. I worked out twice last week and haven't worked out this week. I feel the momentum so I really want to jump in with both feet! The hug and I went for a nice long walk today, but nothing that would cause sweat.. I gotta sweat.

Still feeling good and totally ready to be at my pre-pregnancy weight! Less than 10 pounds to go! Oh baby, feels good!

I'll have a smoking' hot bad and a tight ass in no time!

Chicken...mmmmm....

One of my favorite recipes is a double roasted chicken recipe from Martha Stewart. I love how much chicken we get and money we save and easy lunches. Not only that, I brown the bones and make homemade broth. So delist and SOOOO good for you. Broth has a ton of healthy nutrients and minerals good that are über health for you.

Another great way to cook a whole chicken is in the crockpot. Just cook on low for 7 hours with some olive oil on it and your favorite spices.

Then, brown the bones in the crockpot overnight, and fill with 5 cups of water in the morning. Add carrots, an onion, a few celery stocks and a can of stewed tomatoes. Cook in crockpot all day, at least 12 hours; up to 24 hours . Drain the liquid from the bones, chicken left on bones and veggies, and discard solids...those veggies have no more flavor at hat point. You can refrigerate and use within 7 days or freeze up to 6 months. Skim the fat off the top & save as well. This is great for savory pie crusts or instead of butter or oil in cooking. I believe you can also make gelatin with it, but that will require more research...

This week I'm gonna try to smoke the chicken... Oh boy. I'll tell you how that goes! Mmmm..

Worked out at curves today and it felt great. I was pretty tired before I went, so I really had to commit to going. I'm very glad I did. I ate all my fruits and veggies today and drank about 9 glasses of water so far. I want to drink 3 more before heading up bed. Got to give my metabolism all the help it can get...

Delicious South beach style treat

Soooo...I made myself a little treat this midnight feeding session...

This is one I learned awhile ago when doing South Beach style eating. It's yummers!

There's a chocolate version and a lemon version; of course I had chocolate tonight.

Chocolate Ricotta treat

1/4 cup Ricotta
.5-1 TBS unsweetened cocoa
1 packet Truvia
1 TBS nonfat milk
1 TBS semi-sweet chocolate chips

Mix it all up. Eat!!!

Postpartum Day 83

My little munchkin is the sweetest thing I've ever seen! I adore her! She coos and gags every chance she gets...and when she's sad she has the saddest face in the world. Bottom lip goes out, crocodile tears fill her big brown eyes, then the heartbreaking newborn cry follows...It's so sad! Lately she have these quick bursts of sadness while she's sleeping. They only last a few short seconds, but I tell you, they sure make me want to cry!

I love my little munchkin, what I don't love is my current out of control tummy! While my larger breasts and oh so soft middle help my munchkin find a cozy place to fall asleep, I'm still wearing my maternity clothes.. I bought a pair of jeans that sorta fit (I couldn't bear to buy the size that actually fits...), I refuse to buy a full wardrobe in a size that no one wants to admit to.

Soooo...I'm going to admit where I'm starting to an empty room, that may eventually encourage a few strangers, that can be my confidants and friends from afar... I won't be posting any Biggest loser style photos in spandex...that's just not healthy...but I will post my numbers. So if you'd like to recreate my current physique you are more than welcome to, just don't show me...I don't want to know my size.

Current weight: 221 (I can't believe I just told the truth...)
Waist: 38.5"
Hips:48"
Bust: 46"
Actual size: lane Bryant 18-20, Gap barely a 20, probably would be too tight...
What I'm wearing: 18 plus muffin top

Okay...so obviously I don't love my current size. But I do love me, so I promise to talk nice to myself and give myself encouragement and affection. I will not be my own bully. I love being a mama and a wife and so many other things. I want to be healthy to have the energy to be whoever I truly am...and to look effin' hot in a swimsuit...that's right...effin' hot